Local
Recyclables Now Part of Water Cycle
Many people in Seattle, Washington expressed surprise when, instead of the usual rainy weather that greeted them, a variety of bottles and cans landed on their …
Area Ass Just Won’t Quit
After many of her Twitter followers called for her to retire and local teenagers nicknamed her “the Dumbass of San Diego,” area Ass Fanny Kiester announced …
Cattle Sympathy Campaign Backfires, Consumers Excited to Eat Beef That Bears Their Name
Animal rights activists swarmed supermarkets early this October and placed the names and pictures on meat packaging of cows that were slaughtered. Their ultimate goal was …
Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme
In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following …
Local Haunted House Decorated with All the Things Millennials Killed
Last week, La Jolla cat owner and self-proclaimed “Head of the Homeowners Association” Jessica Smith convinced her community to enhance an alleged “paranormal” home into a …
21-Year-Old Finally Old Enough to Gamble and Drink His Life Away
UCSD student and official adult Darren Costapolis turned 21 last Monday and celebrated with a party full of legal drinking, gambling, and drugs that only a …
Local Father Completes IKEA Desk, Now a Furniture Crafting Celebrity
Local father and amateur Swede Joshua Nickelson completed “MICKE,” a black desk from IKEA, for his daughter’s college apartment last week. So impressed in his own …
“This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion
At a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion …
Police Continue Extensive Manhunt for Area Woman Who Stole Eight Dollars Worth of Lip Gloss
Local law enforcement is conducting a high-priority search for UCSD student Helena Logan, who was witnessed stealing eight dollars worth of lip gloss from a local …
Graduating Biology Student Pursues Ph.D., Excited to Have Stable Career by Late Fourties
UCSD student Sarah Rosenberg accepted her fate as a graduate student last Sunday during a brief moment of introspection that was squeezed in between finishing an …
