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Local Haunted House Decorated with All the Things Millennials Killed

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“No God, please,” the woman said, as she ran out of the house. “You can’t kill marriage, it’s all I have.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Last week, La Jolla cat owner and self-proclaimed “Head of the Homeowners Association” Jessica Smith convinced her community to enhance an alleged “paranormal” home into a more enticing attraction this holiday season. Known for still shopping at Forever 21 despite being in her mid-40’s and for running her home-life blog “Smith’s Secrets,” Smith told reporters that she was very eager to start the project. After driving past the home and shuddering on numerous occasions, she reported that she had no other choice “for the betterment of the community.

“It’ll focus on all the things that are wrong with society nowadays — no one’s buying homes, tying the knot, or having children. Who’s to blame? Not my husband and I, that’s for sure. It’s the millennials. They’re killing us, our industries, and our future! And all they’re doing is complaining. It’s ridiculous!”

Smith announced plans to take matters into her own hands, along with others in the greater La Jolla area. After petitioning for a few days, the community gathered enough signatures to transform the haunted house.

“With the community rallied behind me,” Smith commented, “we’ve worked relentlessly to make the home terrifying. My fellow cat, homeowners, and I covered both the front and back doors with disposable razors in order to mimic the re-occurring ‘No Shave November’ trend sweeping the nation. Unopened beer bottles line windowsills and porch railings in an attempt to salvage the beer industry and make it appeal to millennials. We also use nothing more expensive than $12 wine coolers. We hung maxed out credit cards from the gutters because it seems like there’s nothing scarier to millennials than bad credit. We’ve also painted the home’s white picket fence highlighter pink and slathered it with glitter in order to play on its originality.”

On Tuesday afternoon, a group of senior citizens entered the home after coming back from bingo at the La Jolla Community Center. When asked about the incident, local fifth grader Miles T. Moore commented, “I was playin’ street ball with my friend Joseph and all we heard were screams. Not those girly shrieks, but more like groans? I don’t know, but when we went to go look, my granny was collapsed on the floor with her friends.”

After learning of the incident, Smith released a statement saying, “The elderly were weeping after going through the house. After reviewing the medical records, it appears that they were left with considerable lasting stress, with some unable to recollect the event entirely.” Jessica Smith publicly apologized to those affected later that week.

Rumors of the haunted house spread all over La Jolla, and UCSD students commented on their intrigue, saying, “After trudging through Torrey Pines and surviving toxic construction dust, we were kinda just disappointed.”

“It wasn’t actually scary at all,” said Kiara Guzman, one student who explored the house. “If anything, it was kind of like a cool, ironic art piece. It really got me and my lifestyle. I felt so understood. My friend broke down laughing on the spot. I think the huge inflatable baby on the lawn broke him,” Guzman continued, “I know Mrs. Smith tried to create a spooky haunted house, but like diamonds and fine wines, millennials aren’t buying it.”

Staff Writer at The MQ

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