Local
Starbucks Announces New Summer Frappuccinos To Retain Customers
One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot With summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are …
Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. Photo by Jack Yang Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that …
Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise
The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot There has been …
Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad
The latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in …
Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America
Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” …
College Student Plans Spring Break Trip to Australia, Doesn’t Understand how Hemispheres Work
American college student Kelsey Vittras received backlash after she announced her plan to take her first-ever spring break trip to Canberra, Australia. Her decision was reportedly …
Local Phone Charged With Battery
Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …
Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species
Last month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, …
Lucky Charms Releases New Limited-Edition Cereal Containing Live Snakes
Lucky Charms recently released a new promotional cereal to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, reportedly taking inspiration from stories of St. Patrick himself by including snakes alongside …
Local Irish Person Comes Out, Favorite Color Is Actually Blue
On March 12, 26-year-old Irish man Brian Thomas decided to tell his family that he preferred blue over green. It had reportedly taken “years of anguish …
