Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’”
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

There has been a recent discovery in an ongoing animal sightings investigation at the University of California, San Diego. The case began in the outskirts of San Diego county as San Diego Zoo officials handled reports from locals. Many people, including the mayor of the city, Kevin Faulconer, have called the local police stations reporting sightings of very large koi fish wandering about the town.

The sightings reported the fish would create incidents and then quickly flee to avoid all human interaction when anyone from the town approached them. The fish would reportedly follow behind cars, hide in bushes, and wait to pounce on unsuspecting bystanders. Some victims report having their pants pulled down in public by the koi, while others reported simply smelling fish food and being upset about it. For three weeks, various San Diego residents said they were “filled with fear and confusion” over the fish, wondering just what their purpose was. This sudden rush of fear launched an investigation by the police department and a research study by UCSD zoologists who reportedly wanted to take credit for finding a new species of fish.

General Henry Richardson told reporters within the first week of reports: “We have separated the town into three different parts, all patrolled by officers in the precinct. We are taking this threat very seriously and have been working with the mayor to keep the town safe.” Soon after the police released a statement on the reportings, they discovered more “outrageous, crazy, some would even say quirky” antics the fish have been involved in. The discovery of the koi’s true identities was made on Friday, May 3rd when a group of kindergarten students returning from a field trip to Balboa Park came to the station to make a report.

“There was a trail of fish food, like, piles of it in a line, leading all around the middle of the big koi pond.” Reggie Kendrickson, five-years-old, told reporters. “We started following the piles, but didn’t notice any of the fish around. But then the incidents started happening.” Students reportedly had their hats stolen slyly and their shoes untied when busy looking at the flowers in the Balboa Gardens. The class’s teacher, Ellen Peterson, explained how the incidents impacted the trip. “We love to take the students to the Ruden H. Fleet Museum in the park because it teaches them so much about science and all the cool things that can be done with science. Science is cool, am I right?” Richardson laughed before adding, “I only got a degree in English. Anyways, after many many years of taking the students to the museum, we had these menacing incidents, and it was all because of the koi! I just want to understand who is doing this to our children.”

With the assistance of Peterson and various chaperones, General Richardson reported that they were able to find one of the koi, and unmasked it to be high schooler Dylan Somers. “I just wanted to prank my idiot little brother,” said Peterson, “and then my friends started joining in and just pantsing hella people everywhere and doing other super funny shit. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you
meddling policemen!”

Social/Publicity Ottoman at The MQ

Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.

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