One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.”
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
With summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are rapidly increasing, according to the latest data from Instagram and Twitter. A large proportion of these posts feature the hashtag #starbucks, and to appease millennial demand, Starbucks recently unveiled four seasonal limited edition Frappuccino flavors: papaya, strawberry rhubarb, rose wine, and cheeseburger. The announcement reportedly triggered a wave of interest from consumers that has been described as a “tsunami of coffee-lovers” by stockholders. Even though the drinks will not be available until June 21st, reports are projecting five percent profit increases by the end of the quarter.
“It’s all because we understand simple economics, supply and demand, or something like that,” said Jonathan Robertson, a representative from one San Diego location. “I think they said something like that in high school. Anyways, all of these other places are wondering why they can’t pull a profit. They’re sitting around sucking their thumbs wondering why! The fact that their menu that hasn’t changed in a bazillion years isn’t attractive. Americano this, latte that. The sooner they realize millennials don’t want to actually taste their coffee, the better off they’ll be.”
Robertson worked on the development of the new flavors, but he admitted that although it was “something to marvel at,” it was far from the romantic vision he’d previously held. “I used to imagine a design lab full of fancy equipment, intellectuals throwing out ideas, and chemists synthesizing the Frappuccino binders. It turned out to be a dozen people sitting in my boss’ dirty living room, eating Chipotle and drinking cheap beer.” Robertson’s boss, Emily Harrisdottir, revealed that the reason for the new flavors was two consecutive weeks of declining sales. “Seattle told me to bang out some ideas within 24 hours, and I was already drunk, so I figured I might as well make a party out of it and invite some people over.”
The workers supposedly generated a list of one hundred flavors in five minutes. Harrisdottir stressed that creating such an extensive list was essential, due to the strict selection process.
“You’d be surprised what they’ve rejected before,” she said. “Our market research shows that 97 percent of Frappuccino drinkers are merely posers, meaning we can pretty much put out anything and it’ll sell just so people can Instagram it or whatever. Seattle acknowledges that, but they still forbid us from getting too out of control. Regrettably that means you won’t be sipping any durian, sugar cane, or espresso Frappuccinos this summer.” Other rejected suggestions in the company’s history include barley, almond butter, high fructose corn syrup, baby back ribs, and bacon; but Harrisdottir hinted that rejections are saved and occasionally used in a pinch, using the Unicorn Frappuccino as an example.
“It sort of felt like we were discussing Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans,” Harrisdottir admitted, “and I wanted the most outrageous suggestions to be selected. Sure, we could be relatively normal and design ‘reasonable’ flavors, and our profits would probably be just fine, but where’s the fun in that? Here at Starbucks, we consider three main factors: Instagramability, Tweetability, and Absurdity. It’ll be interesting to see how many venti Rose Frappuccinos are sold. I’m still surprised that got chosen over arroz con leche, but then again I guess they’re not always clear-headed in Seattle either.”
