“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal.
Photo by Jack Yang

Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that a bird, which had earlier become stuck in the sky, was safely brought to the ground by an off-duty firefighter. The bird, frozen in midair, was first noticed by passerby at 11:25 a.m. and was soon rescued at 11:29 a.m. The bird reportedly had been either a crow, a raven, a red tailed hawk, a bald eagle, a bat, or a pterodactyl — depending on which of the statements of various local sources is referenced. The firefighter credited with rescuing the bird could not be reached for comment, as he is still very high up.

One witness described the scene: “Well I was just minding my own business, checking out my neighbor’s garbage, when all of a sudden I noticed that there was a bird in the sky that couldn’t seem to get down. So I
see this and I’m like ‘yeah I get it, but like, why? Where is this going?’ And then I was abducted by aliens, but people typically lose interest when I get to that part of the story. Hey, where are you going? Come back! Why does this always happen?”

There remain conflicting theories as to how exactly the bird became stuck. Aviation experts have suggested that the bird was unable to land in very windy conditions. Ornithologists claim that the animal became confused during migration. Circus clowns believe that it may have been a very convincing balloon animal, and cartoonists maintain that it walked off a cliff and had not looked down yet, perhaps while engaging in goofy antics and trying to avoid being eaten by a coyote.

Although this issue was resolved in a timely fashion, people have expressed a growing fear of absurd predicaments in general as more and more seemingly impossible problems have emerged. In the past three months, there were 10 traffic jams in space, three separate but possibly related cases of one and zero being equal, five examples of buildings that were demolished but actually became larger, and what experts on confusion describe as “most confounding of all,” the continued popularity of Lil Dicky.