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La Jolla Playhouse Premiers "Stomp 2", Featuring UCSD’s Custodial Staff

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Several audience members paid for a premium package with “splash zone” seating and $80 “Stomp 2” ponchos.Photo by Jack Yang The La Jolla Playhouse recently announced …

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Local Student Plans to Hit the Gym Over Summer, Resolution Lasts a Week

Written by: Jay Noonan

“It took me like 10 situps to reach the remote, so I think I’m good for the day,” said Wyland.Photo by Jack Yang Second year Sid …

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Local Glass-Breaking Business is a “Smashing Success”

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

In response to concerns over possible injuries from broken glass, the store owners reassured customers that “there is nothing to worry about. We have a waiver …

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Starbucks Announces New Summer Frappuccinos To Retain Customers

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot With summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are …

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Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky

Written by: Robert Renfro

“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. Photo by Jack Yang Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that …

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Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot There has been …

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Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in …

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Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America

Written by: Jack Yang

Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” …

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College Student Plans Spring Break Trip to Australia, Doesn’t Understand how Hemispheres Work

Written by: Hannah Lykins

American college student Kelsey Vittras received backlash after she announced her plan to take her first-ever spring break trip to Canberra, Australia. Her decision was reportedly …

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Local Phone Charged With Battery

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …