Volume 23 Issue 2
At Least Eight Men Reported Dad in a Horrific 16-Person Accident
In a horrible turn of events, an accident Saturday night claimed the lives of at least eight men. Witnesses report the accident was the cause of …
Grandfather Recalls When Gum Was Cheaper, Is Put in A Home
Karl Tunberg was just wondering when his grandchildren last visited when he received a call from his daughter, informing him that he would be packing his …
Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick”
New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, …
Top Ten Reasons to Switch to Bigger Tires
Your Civic isn’t as big as that Hummer and you need to compensate Bigger tire fires The third round of the tire toss is coming up …
Top Ten Things Your Professor has Done to Try and Relate to You
Forgotten the TA’s name Shared their AOL username When they introduced iClickers, they also turned around, looked at the slide and groaned Asked you to swipe …
Top Ten Things You Can Do to Push Your Cool RA’s Limits
Ask them if you can sleep in their bed tonight, since there’s lightning and thunder outside Sell weed out of your dorm and give them a …
Lassie Unable to Warn Timmy About 2008 Financial Crisis
In 2008, Timmy Martin from the long-running television series “Lassie,” was about to buy mortgage-backed securities to improve his financial portfolio. Lassie, seeing the shady practices …
Area Vat Not Sure Why There’s a Brain in It
A large, dark vat awoke early last Friday to find an unsettling feeling in its center. It soon realized that the discomfort was caused by a …
NBC realizes Human Trafficking “Not As Funny As Expected”
In a statement issued after the cancellation of the planned comedy show Mail Order Family, NBC expressed regrets that “sadly human trafficking is a concept that …
Oxford Comma Sues UCSD for Lack of Use, Malpractice and Negligence
In a release, the Oxford Comma claims that UCSD’s negligence has led to grievous errors over the past five years. In addition, UCSD is accused of …
