Volume 22 Issue 7

Top 10

Top Ten Ways You Can Rephrase your College Experience for Your Resume

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Did extensive four-year study on the effect of an all-carb diet on health and mental wellness “According to my blood tests, I’m actually 73 percent a …

Top 10

Top Ten Ways to Get Out of the Conversation “How’s School Going?”

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Crumple a potato chip bag and say “Oh, we’re breaking up. I can’t hear you” “My law degree is going well, but first I’d like to …

Top 10

Top Ten Lesser-Known Crimes that Will Still Get You 30 to Life

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Downloading a car Lying on your music practice card “Marriage, am I right, sonny boy?” Public un-nudity in a nudist colony Leaving your freshman suite door …

Briefs

UCSD Graduate Eager to Feel Overqualified In Retail

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After four years, graduate Taylor Urke is excited to follow the logical conclusion of their decisions and enter the job market as an hourly retail worker. …

Briefs

NFL Players to Undergo Pre-Draft Jiggle Test

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle …

Briefs

Local Band Pretty Sure Minute 11 of The Solo Is When It Gets Really Good

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Local band Flandering Ferret took the stage at Panderer’s Pub in Midtown at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, performing their instrumental single “Cherry Pickers.” The San Diego-based …

Briefs

Woman Late to Give Mother’s Day Gift to Mother She Murdered

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Area woman Shane Daniels realized yesterday that she had failed to purchase and give a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift to her mother, whose body she left …

Briefs

Area Man Thinks Google Maps Has Got it All Wrong

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San Diego public defender Richard Mallard, who was utterly convinced his Google Maps app gave him incorrect instructions, recently took a series of wrong turns that …

Briefs

Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it

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Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully …

Briefs

Police Brutality Talks Derailed by Fanatic Patriots

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Police brutality activist Jasmine Porcin held a press conference Friday on the rise of police brutality reports filed towards the San Diego Police Department. Porcin discussed …