NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle like Jell-O on the San Andreas Fault.” Goodell stated he got inspiration for the rule from cheerleaders’ auditions.
“Like cheerleaders, the main appeal of watching football players comes from their attractiveness. That’s why when our running backs are making their way down the field, we want to see every glistening pore moving in waves. When our defensive ends sack the quarterback, I want to see the collision all the way to their toes.”
NFL COO Tod Leiweke expressed support for the new regulations, commenting that “there really are no other problems we should address right now. The NFL has zero glaring, fundamental issues to solve. Honestly, it’s been a slow year for us. Frankly, I’m bored.”
If audiences approve of the new regulations, the Commission will adopt more cheerleader-inspired policies. Goodell stated, “Studies of cheerleaders’ behaviors revealed that getting paid less than minimum wage is a great motivator. Hopefully, we can implement that strategy with real athletes too.”