Volume 22 Issue 7

ArticlesCampusNews

Out-of-State Student’s Fish Dies Just in Time for Summer Break

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Local betta fish, Jason Sparklefin, was found dead late Monday night at the age of eight months, due to reported malnutrition. His death was confirmed Tuesday …

ArticlesNews

Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles

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In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Aspiring Achievers Cofounder Falls Short of Clinching Treasurer Position in Club Elections

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Third year undergraduate Jane Footick stormed out of Aspiring Achievers’ third GBM of spring quarter where, despite her significant prior sacrifices that brought the organization to …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Figurative Language: As Useless as a Hole-Filled Umbrella during a Hailstorm

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Figurative language. Nothing is more confusing to me than the use of figurative language. I don’t understand why everyone feels the need to use all of …

ArticlesCampusNews

Norwegian Prison Modeled After California University

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As a new experimental part of Norway’s systematic prison reform, an inquiry into modeling future prisons after many California universities has been initiated. This reform is …

ArticlesNews

Reading, England Discovered to be Where Reading Was Invented

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British historian Donald Wobbley has uncovered evidence that reading was first invented in Reading, England around 2200 BCE. Since 1927, it has been widely known that …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Lin-Manuel Miranda Wins Nobel Prize, Puerto Rican Gubernatorial Office

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Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Hamilton” playwright and star, has won both a Nobel Prize and the office of Governor of Puerto Rico last Tuesday, in addition to being …

ArticlesNews

Time Machine Invented, Future Just as Boring as Present

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The European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, performed the first successful time jump in a manned craft at 10:04 p.m. last Saturday. Head researcher …

ArticlesNews

New Study Finds Cure for Depression: Pile of Kittens Crushed Into Fine Powder

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Earlier this year, a federal advisory committee approved a bold new treatment plan by drug company Cheshire Rx. that may permanently cure depression. The advisory committee …

Top 10

Top Ten Ways to Show Up at a Wedding Unannounced

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In 2003, with a search warrant for WMDs With a ring to propose to your girlfriend who’s the maid of honor While admitting that no, you …