Photo by: Connor Gorry
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Hamilton” playwright and star, has won both a Nobel Prize and the office of Governor of Puerto Rico last Tuesday, in addition to being awarded a revolutionary new patent for his newly improved design of the wheel. These accomplishments furnish a rapidly growing list of Miranda’s achievements, which include his 16 Tony nominations, his establishment of the first human lunar colony, and his ability to use memes without sounding like Hillary Clinton.
Miranda’s meteoric rise to fame has won him his fair share of praise from all over the nation. High school students have lauded him near-universally, especially in the immediate prelude to the AP US History exam. Theater enthusiasts have taken inspiration from his work, and there are reports that in some small areas he is now revered as a kind of god of stagecraft; it’s rumored in these circles that repeating his full name three times while holding a ten-dollar bill can counter the misfortune invoked by speaking the name “Macbeth” aloud.
Still, Miranda has not escaped criticism, especially from the Domestic Association of Dads. Local father and DAD member Percy Atronage was notably strident during a DAD protest of Miranda’s accomplishments. Atronage demanded that Miranda, a father for almost two years now, “dial it down a notch,” stating that ever since the discovery that Miranda had secretly used time travel to author Hamlet under Shakespeare’s name, it has become impossible to impress his own children.
“You don’t understand,” he was heard saying. “He makes it so damn hard for the rest of us! Like, you always know that those World’s Greatest Dad mugs are fake, but at least before we could fool ourselves a little, you know? Now, though,” Atronage was heard to say before breaking off and looking away from local reporters. “Now we know nothing but shame.” Atronage then began to weep, and did not answer further questions.
Miranda’s numerous accomplishments have not gone unnoticed in academic circles, either. Doctor Cathy L. Assic of New York University, who heads a multidisciplinary team of historians and sociopolitical analysts, has been tracking his career very carefully ever since his debut on Broadway; the launch of the show notably upset several major Western economies, and Paul Krugman was heard to suggest that the US back its currency in “Hamilton” tickets.
“We’re now almost completely sure that Mr. Miranda is actually undertaking the Twelve Labors of Hercules,” says Dr. Assic. “Obviously there is still a great deal of confirmational testing to be done, but the preliminary tests are all turning up positive. It seems that Hera herself has literally set forth a series of twelve tasks for him in the absence of a King Eurystheus figure.” In support of her claim she cites the increasingly complex nature of Miranda’s accomplishments as well as their sheer impossibility, comparing his establishment of the first human lunar colony to the cleansing of the Augean Stables.
Asked about next steps, Dr. Assic said that she was planning an expedition to Mount Olympus to verify that the tasks have been set upon a mortal yet again. According to Dr. Assic, prayers to Apollo have gone unanswered; the team suspects that Miranda has been unconsciously intercepting them, as NYU’s theater department has notably felt the brunt of the fervor surrounding the playwright’s rise to fame.
It is currently predicted that, for his next task, Miranda plans on seducing the spouses of everyone, everywhere.
