Local betta fish, Jason Sparklefin, was found dead late Monday night at the age of eight months, due to reported malnutrition. His death was confirmed Tuesday morning by his owner, first year student Maria Larson, who found Jason’s lifeless fish corpse floating listlessly along the bottom of his four dollar clearance aisle fishbowl.
Larson provided a statement the following morning regarding the somber incident: “I am just so devastated by Jason’s death. He wasn’t just a fish to me. He was my closest companion — the Pisces to my Capricorn,” said Larson. Larson and Sparklefin were often seen together studying for the three classes they shared, napping in the Muir quad, and attending their bi-weekly parasailing sessions. “I guess it’s kind of good timing though,” said Larson. “At least now I won’t have to figure out what to do with him when I go back home.”
Larson, a native of Topeka, Kansas, has stated that she had no plans on what to do with her beloved betta at the end of the school year. “My friends are always saying that I lack foresight when it comes to these things,” admitted Larson, “but in my defense — wait, I already forgot how I was going to end this sentence.” Impulse purchases are no foreign concept to Larson; sources say that during the summer before beginning her first quarter of college, Larson attempted to purchase and care for a pet mountain lion, citing its “cute little whiskers” as a primary motivator for her actions.
While Muir College RSOs have no reason to suspect foul play, other students remain skeptical of the convenient timing of Sparklefin’s passing, just before Larson’s residence hall move-out date. Jenny Shapiro, one of Larson’s colleagues and recurrent fish-sitter, weighed in with her thoughts about the fish fatality.
“I don’t think Maria ever had any intentions of keeping him after the school year. She didn’t even tell her parents about him,” claimed Shapiro. “She was just using him for the benefits — such a Capricorn.”
Despite the inherent fishiness of the situation, the death of Jason Sparklefin has made waves all across campus. Out-of-state students especially are coming together in solidarity to mourn the late Sparklefin, a fish taken from this world too soon, but also at precisely the right time. For those wishing to pay their respects to the late marine specimen, Jason Sparklefin’s funeral service will be taking place Wednesday night at 7 p.m., just after Larson’s psychology midterm, in the second floor bathroom of Tioga Hall.
Written by: Kenny Cheng