Volume 25
Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter
Punxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. …
Trump Sells Executive Branch on eBay, New President is Now Desmond Wilson, Age Four
Before the end of the government shutdown, Donald Trump has reportedly sold the Executive Branch on eBay to four-year-old Desmond Wilson. Trump, formerly known President of …
Local White Person Plays Uno “Reverse” Card on Racism Accusation
San Diego resident Arnold Zimmerman, upon being arrested for a hate crime in an East County Denny’s, attempted to deflect charges by presenting the police with …
Student Finds Parking on Campus Twice in a Row
A UCSD student successfully found parking two days in a row at Hopkins Parking Structure. The student, who wished to remain anonymous because of fears that …
Editorial: I Wish I Could Make a Difference in Politics, but I Don’t Know How
Like many Americans, I want to make a valuable difference in my community, but it can seem overwhelming and hopeless. How much of a difference could …
Study Shows Most Anti-Vaxxers Are Just Kids Afraid of Needles
A report from the Center for Disease Control has found that 95 percent of the anti-vaccination movement is composed of people with a fear of needles. …
Boats Wash Ashore in Revelle Quad After Stuart Art Collection Piece is Mistaken for Lighthouse
Recent heavy rain has led countless of boats in attempt to dock around the Revelle Quad. Sailors claimed that they had mistaken the new Stuart Art …
Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women
Following a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. …
UCSD Opens First On-Campus Medical Marijuana Dispensary
In an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it …
Hillary Clinton Announces 2020 Presidential Run, Will Do Everything the Same as Last Time
Failed 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced this week that she will pursue the presidency again in 2020 John Podesta will serve once again as her …
