Briefs
New Charity Delivers Medical Benefits of Marijuana to Prison Inmates
With recreational marijuana now legal in California, benefactors are looking for ways to deliver its benefits to a wider audience. A group of college students have …
Local UCSD Student Finally learns Roommate’s Name
Second year UCSD student Neil Caiman told reporters he recently noticed a fourth apartment-mate living with him that he had not accounted for just last night. …
Pluto the Pup Takes Siege of Disney, Establishes a Plutocracy
Pluto the Pup, the Disney character owned by Mickey Mouse, told reporters yesterday that he has decided to incite a coup in order to become the …
Local Man Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It
In light of recent national debates for and against gun control, as well as proposed changes to education in America, California resident Harrison Argant contacted reporters …
Democrats Denounce Trump, Call for Preferred Authoritarian Leader
Congressional Democrats celebrated this month after two major political achievements in January. They succeeded in passing a bipartisan bill which will maintain the Bush-era practice of …
Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t
Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane …
Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty …
Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA
President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …
Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name
A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily …
Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll
At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to …
