Briefs
Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA
President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …
Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name
A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily …
Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll
At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to …
New L’oreal Commercial Faces Backlash for Lack of Sex Appeal
Recently, L’Oreal released its new advertisement, attempting to sell the L’Oreal Active Bonding Mango Scent Anti-Dandruff Maximum Overdrive Hair and Body Wash and Moisturizer. Breaking formula, …
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity
The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” …
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth …
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind
Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I …
Muir College Mourns Record-Setting 13th Freshman Lost to Giant Crows
Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting …
Christmas Season completely Revitalizes Coal Mining Industry
This Christmas season has seen the surprising revival of the coal industry in the United States. The sudden rebound is attributed to two factors: Trump’s focus …
Local Asshole Boycotts Hydro Flask, Drinks Water Directly From the Source
Earlier this month, local rookie activist Flynt Boyle took to boycotting Hydro Flask for capitalizing on portable ways to drink water. Boyle was outraged, claiming that …
