Articles
Lana Del Rey Revealed to be “Witch Queen” after Casting Binding Spell on Trump
Grammy-nominated pop singer Lana Del Rey, after participating in the world wide witches’ binding spell against President Donald Trump, has revealed her True Form as the …
Climate Change Denier Found under Rock, Appointed to Head of EPA
Local business owner Earl Coombs was found early last Monday after having gone missing nearly 32 years ago under a large boulder in Yosemite National Park. …
V.P. Pence Changes Name to “1.24 Cents,” Inspires Patriotism
Last Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence finalized his name change from Mike Pence to Mike 1.24 Cents. When asked about the change, 1.24 Cents replied, “It’s …
Inflation Will Render Cheap Puns Unaffordable for the Bourgeois, Economists Say
After evaluating the national economy last week, economists identified the most recent commodity to fall prey to the ravages of inflation: cheap puns. The rise in …
Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House
Panic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. …
Football Fan Hates Every Team in the League, Watched Every Game
Local NFL fan Ryan Pederson announced Sunday during the Superbowl that he loathes every single team in the league, especially his favorite team, the Denver Broncos. …
Area Man Asked to Watch Area Woman’s Stuff, Leaves
Intensely clutching a backpack to her chest, area student Angie Coronado seemed to be in a state of distress while telling reporters that last Friday that …
Biblical Scholars Find Flood Was Intended to Reward Fish
Revelations were made earlier this week when scholars found a new reference point for the Old Testament. This awakening was recently discovered by religious scholars when …
Iranians Trapped by Travel Ban Plan to “‘Argo’ This Shit”
President Trump’s January 27 executive order, which barred entry into the US for citizens of seven predominantly Muslim nations, including Iran, has already caused a wide …
Filipino Senate Calls for Peaceful Removal of President Duterte’s Head
The Filipino Senate passed a joint resolution last Friday calling for the peaceful removal of the President Duterte’s head from office and corpus. The unilateral decision …
