this almond farmer uses less water so he can take long showers

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

When it comes to almond farming, water is the main event. From the groundwater to the plumbing, water runs deep in the lifestyle of the Brightson Fields owners. Any reporter coming to Lenny Paramount’s 15,000 acres of almond farmland are there because of his water habits. “I can’t go a day without water,” Paramount says during our tour of his premises. “I start every day with a glass of crystal-clear H2O, and I can’t wake up or go to sleep without the sweet caress of 120 gallons of water from my shower head.” Paramount cites his showering process as an essential right that he holds most dear. “I spent $10,000 renovating my shower last year. It’s my safe space. I feel like a young almond tree, soaking up water to slowly nourish my precious, lucrative body.”

Paramount has recently found a new water practice that has revolutionized his farming and his company’s public image. Through a process he calls “hydrationomics,” he pays an elite team of biologists to conjure up half of the water he needs for farming using innovative scientific methods. “It all started when some guys from this water news site called ‘Thirsty for Justice’ came up to me to talk about water in 2014. They said a bunch of stuff about sustainability and droughts and I was extremely alarmed. They told me people are trying to shower less because of the drought. Did you know some people tried to only take 10 minute showers back in 2014? I was horrified, and I knew I had to use all the resources in my disposal so that people wouldn’t have to restrict their morning and nighttime shower hours.”

Paramount cites a discussion post on Facebook as evidence of how his water use affects the world. “I’ve heard people say I have a big role in all this environmental-political stuff because I’m an almond farmer. It’s true — it’s made me pretty wealthy, and I think I do have some responsibility to share my privilege with the world. I’m just glad I finally understand the problem, and I can bring more water to the world so the poor people who keep trying to lobby against water use can understand business better.”

Brightson Fields owns over 20,000 acres of land in total. Wandering through their almond, pistachio, and walnut farms lets you experience what California is all about. One could say it’s like taking a good, long shower. It’s the experience of getting your best thinking done in the calm, spacious field of the peaceful human spirit. You cradle a single nut in your hands and you know the love, care, and full gallon of water that went into its creation. Even if you don’t really like almonds, look at this industry! Look at the life these acres create and sustain. “It’s inspiring, and I don’t see why anyone should touch it. It’s not like it affects anyone negatively. Just let us do our thing and then you get a milk substitute at coffee shops for only 50 cents extra! No lactose, but a whole lot of sophistication,” remarks Paramount.

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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