Articles
Penis Cakes
Point: I’m Really Getting Tired of Penis Cakes at Bachelorette Parties Look here, lady. I’ve seen penis cakes before. I’ve been to so many bachelorette parties …
Clerical Error Results in Dog Being Neutralized
Scientists everywhere were shocked late last week when veterinarians at a PetSmart in Bakersfield were able to successfully neutralize a dog. The first operation of its …
Liberals Call for ‘Full Commitment’ in National Celebration of Ides of March
During such political and social turmoil, many liberals are appealing to classical works and traditions in order to find peace and purpose. This year, liberal leadership …
Puerto Rico Chosen for Trump’s “Most Dangerous Game”
The first few months of the Trump presidency have not been without controversy, and a recently signed executive order has sparked even more conversation surrounding the …
Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son
Local single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle …
Frederick Douglass Continues to Elude Trump Administration
In the past week, a news leak from the White House has shown that the Trump administration reportedly attempted to bring in Frederick Douglass to speak …
Local Recruiter Finds Straight White Candidate “Just More Approachable”
Christian Witten, the managing director of New Breath Consultants, announced Monday that they’ve hired a new creative liaison, Daisy Mitchell, who they are certain will “fit …
In Response to My Critics, as Wrong as a Toothbrush in a Bathroom
It is the apparent opinion of Mr. James Dickenson that, while my last novel “Crying in the Parking Lot of a Burger King,” sequel to the …
Trump Uses Phone-a-Friend Option Sooner than Expected
Donald Trump was reportedly “on edge” from recent connections drawn between his administration and Russia, an unprecedented move which led to Trump using his Phone-a-Friend option. …
Student Stuck in Infinite Loop in Tioga Stairwell
On Sunday, the Tioga residence house advisors stated that even more residents are following “elevator etiquette” after one of the two elevators was shut down in …
