Crass was later charged with destruction of evidence for washing his hands.
Photo by Jack Yang
“Smarts,” a local grocery store located in Youngtown, Arizona, has shut down due to a traumatic, accidental hand holding incident that occurred days prior. “It was awful,” Chris Laysman, the man involved in the incident, told reporters on scene. “I was reaching to grab the tapioca pudding, ‘Snack Pack’ brand because I break out in hives if I eat anything else, and my other hand was just out in the open. That’s when it happened. I haven’t felt so awkward since my mom taught me what sex is.” Chris was excused from the interview shortly after this statement. No follow up interview has been scheduled yet.
Smarts has a mass number of locations scattered across the Arizona state lands. “We pride ourselves on quick and efficient grocery shopping experiences and the ability to leave customers with the need to come back.” The owner of the Youngtown location, Bradley Summers, gave a statement after news of the shutdown became public. “This was a complete shock to us at the store. We would have never thought crazy people were visiting the store, and on a beautiful Sunday, for heaven’s sake. Why did our lord stop watching over us?”
Stanley Sherman, a patron to Smarts grocery store, caught reporters outside the scene as police were shutting down the store. “I could see it. There was intent behind those actions. This quarter-second of handholding was premeditated,” Stanley Sherman told authorities his side of the incident as they were securing the area. “I was turning the corner from the chip aisle when I saw it. His hand was sitting right by that pudding. Those are the actions of somebody trying to rip off an arm.”
Outside the police station, a crowd of local Youngtown citizens gathered to watch Phillis Crass guided to the holding cell. News reporters and cameraman from “Good Morning Youngtown” caught Crass taking his first steps into the jail cell.
“What? That’s not what happened at all!” Phillis Crass told reporters when questioned about his own involvement in the incident. “I didn’t grab his hand — I wouldn’t do that. I can barely make eye contact with anyone outside of my immediate family.” Crass appeared more flustered while listening to outside testimony on the case. “This is ridiculous! I had no blood lust. I just wanted to get my favorite pudding. I haven’t felt this awkward since my mom taught me what sex is.”
After talking to reporters, Crass was retained shortly by Youngtown officials and the reporters were denied entry into the jail due to confidentiality of the situation. His bail has been set to $16.95, the value of the products knocked off the shelf during the incident, and he and his family are awaiting the Supreme Court hearing that will take place in three weeks time.
Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.
