McDaniel told reporters, “It takes a village to raise a child, and luckily my uterus is owned by our great village of the US of A!”
Photo by Stephen Lightfoot
In the wake of abortion restrictions passed by Republican legislatures in several states across America, the Republican National Committee has updated their platform for the 2020 elections with a new proposal that demands all women take mandatory virginity tests every month. Colloquially called the “Hymen Check,” this proposal was backed by a large majority of RNC voting members, including Ronna Romney McDaniel, current chair of the RNC.
McDaniel, who has expressed disapproval for Alabama’s new abortion restrictions in the past, surprised reporters by her approval for this change. “I’m personally against the restrictive measures on abortion being placed upon by private citizens and their doctors, but I do fully support the government’s intrusion upon women’s privacy with this virginity test since it’s politically convenient for the party. And it’s God’s will.”
Prominent Republican politicians across the country have shown interest in implementing virginity tests on their female constituents as soon as possible. Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia is going further, pushing his state’s legislature to pass a law requiring every female resident to keep a copy of their latest virginity results on hand to show law enforcers or any male that asks for it. “I am very confident this law will solve the problem of women having too much control over their bodies,” shared Kemp. “By keeping every woman on her toes and scrutinizing their personal sexual decisions even more than we are now, us men can breathe a sigh of relief. Soon, we will return to the natural way of men taking ownership of our baby incubators.”
Current polling of male Republicans shows the “Hymen Check” to be extremely popular within the base, with 87 percent approving of this change. No such survey has been performed with a female Republican cohort. “A decision like deciding when to have sex is much too complicated for a fragile female brain to comprehend,” says Dennis Rockefeller, the 67-year-old Republican man who conducted the survey. “Allowing women to be involved with these decisions will just lead to issues down the road. That’s why we have all these ‘Me Too’ movements, or whatever they’re called, popping up everywhere. What happened to the good ol’ days of men being able to find an intact woman after screwing around with some whores?”
Despite these statistics, there is some pushback within the GOP over the “Hymen Check.” Arizona Senator Martha McSally reportedly asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell if the party’s platform was a joke. “I flew in the air force for this country, and all you men care about is if I’m ‘broken in?’ Y’all are really toeing the line here.” Senator Susan Collins from Maine is also reportedly unhappy with the new platform, with sources claiming she has been intoxicated for several days and “cursing herself for confirming that beer-loving Kavanaugh.”
This opposition is likely to be ignored as the RNC moves towards preparing for election season. As the Republican Party continues to trend heavily towards men, McDaniel believes the “Hymen Check” is the only way to continue appealing to their base. “Look lady Republicans, if you want to keep hating on the gays, Mexicans, poor people, and climate scientists, the only way to do that is to also pretend to hate yourself. I, for one, am willing to get screwed over by a few men to do that. So please, just be the doting supportive wives you all are. It’ll all be over soon.”