“What happens if I get vetoed? Do I die?” asked Brakelian when she was told she didn’t have the approval of President Trump.
Photo by Jack Yang
Graduating senior Nishelle Brakelian has completed her pre-law undergraduate degree and has officially vowed to be signed into law. Brakelian’s education included reciting the School House Rock motto “knowledge is power” repeatedly as part of a seance that involved a shrine dedicated to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s power and health. This seance evoked the hallmarks of United States constitutional law, aided by textbooks from the writing sequence of Thurgood Marshall and Earl Warren College.
Brakelian has worked to overcome the commonplace funeral pyre of congressional bills that is formally known as a “legislative committee bill-markup”. When questioned by reporters how she plans to receive bicameral support, and eventually the signature of the president, Brakelian responded with a simple transfiguration from her fleshy human facade to a ream of white printer paper with illegible scribbles that included the name “JOHN HAMM-COCK” at the bottom.
By evoking the direct Latin translation of habeas corpus as “show me the body,” Brakelian suddenly transformed back into the vestige of her human form.
When pursued by reporters who insist that there is “no such thing” as a pre-law degree — at least not in the UCSD undergraduate directory — Brakelian took up an argumentative strategy to guard the value of her degree, as she had been trained to do.
“If the current conservative Supreme Court can throw the concept of stare decisis or legal precedent on the floor, bury it, and dance on it, then who’s to say I can’t pursue my goals of becoming a soon-to-be ignored piece of legislation that could be manipulated into being used to overturn Roe v. Wade or other fundamental civil rights legislation?” questioned Brakelian.
Furthermore, Brakelian promises that if allowed to become a law she will be “quieter and even more ignored than Justice Clarence Thomas has been for the past three decades.”
“The deafening silence is what it’s really all about, after all, the Washington Post is accurate when they say that ‘democracy dies in darkness’ and all that crap,” declared the metamorphosing recent graduate.
“The job market for becoming a bill may be tough, and everyone knows that there is nothing less productive than a divided Congress and an asshole president, but as stated in my resume I am always up for a challenge,” said the aspiring piece of legislation. Suddenly, Brakelian clicked her heels together while twirling a gavel, and instantly vanished from the site of the interview.
Mishelle Arakelian is a third-year Political Science major and Law and Society minor. One time she rejected an internship with the Obamas due to a scheduling conflict.
