H&M Mannequin Joins Democratic Primary Race

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Trump has reportedly shared many concerns about the fact that candidate Robert Perrson was made in China.
Photo by Jack Yang

Robert Perrson, a mannequin from the popular clothing store H&M, has officially announced his bid for the 2020 presidency this past Tuesday. Running as a Democrat, Perrson enters a competitive field with nearly two dozen other contenders for the nomination. Supporters have expressed that Perrson sticks out amidst his fellow party members “not just because he wears a cool-ass sweater, but because his cold, eyeless face relates to America’s youth.”

Despite Perrson’s appeal to a younger audience, older party members, like 44-year-old Debra Johnston, expressed concern over Perrson’s “lack of clarity on salient issues like Medicare, housing, and the GAP closing thousands of stores this year.” While these issues remain pertinent, George Smith, a guy with a man-bun and a supporter for Perrson’s nomination, excused the lack of clarity citing the fact that “Perrson doesn’t have a mouth.” For Smith, one aspect of Perrson’s platform remains abundantly clear: “He remains committed to enacting actionable policy to mitigate climate change and curb harmful emissions. Of course, he didn’t overtly say this, but why would he wear all those beaded and wax-cord bracelets if he felt otherwise?”

Perrson’s skeptics are not limited to older Democrats. Some younger party members have voiced concerns over Perrson’s ties to big corporations. “This is a race here we have candidates like Sanders calling for a $15 minimum wage,” said Emily Smith, a graduate student at UCLA. “Why would I vote for a guy who is literally selling us something made in factories that pay their workers a few dollars an hour?” However, for other voters, it is this connection to popular fashion brands that makes Perrson so appealing. “Politics is a lot like fast-fashion,” remarked Ted McShmoody, a political analyst for the New Jersey Times. “You advertise this grand work, and then you water it down until you get to something that more people can actually get their hands on. Sure, it won’t take long for that piece to wither away to obsolescence, but by then you’ll be showing off something new.”

While Perrson’s claim to the nomination remains strong, he faces stiff competition. McShmoody predicted that he may retain an element of relatability that other lack. “Biden, Sanders, and Warren have most definitely never heard of H&M.” Instead, McShmoody suggested that Perrson’s biggest challenger may be 46-year-old “totally dreamy heartthrob” Beto O’Rourke who responded to Perrson’s nomination in a
statement that read: “H&M? Hmph, lame,” which was then followed by a three-page report about his college punk band, “Topple the Status-Quo!” and an analysis of their song “Unless I Benefit From The Status-Quo!”

Perrson’s true stake in this race remains to be seen, yet early polling data from PoliticOh shows him performing well. Perrson’s campaign manager reported that “he is polling higher than Delaney, Hoggett, Moultan, Floom, Alan, and Hickenlooper. Three of those names were actually characters from Babe: Pig in the City, but I bet you didn’t recognize any. If a man named Hickenlooper is running for president, maybe a mannequin stands
a chance.”

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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