December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Bernie Sanders Expected to be Crucified and Resurrected in First Democratic Primary Debate

Written by: Sage Cristal

After three days, polling showed that Bernie Sanders’ popularity rose again.
Photo by Jessica Ma

As the first Democratic primary debate of the 2020 election season approaches, rumors about the declared and potential candidates for president have started to circulate. Along with whispers about Hillary Clinton’s possible rematch against President Trump and rumors of Beto O’Rourke’s shirtless pictures being leaked by the Russian government, some voters believe Bernie Sanders will be the candidate to watch as well as worship.

Some Sanders fans, referred to as “Bernie Bros” by Republicans, have prophetized that Sanders will win the 2020 presidential election. First, he will be crucified by Trump supporters and be buried in a cave in order to be resurrected as a stronger, more progressive version of his original self. One “Bernie Bro,” Hailey St. Clair, told reporters, “I’m not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person. And when Bernie ran in 2016, I felt like he was clearing a pathway — like a sea full of bad people, so that underprivileged individuals could go forward to a safer country. Unfortunately, evil won. But when I heard Bernie was running for president in 2020, I felt renewed. I felt like our country had a chance at rebirth.”

Some political observers have caught on to these rumors, alluding to them as “the socialist’s second coming.” Ryan Terry, a political analyst, told reporters, “We haven’t seen this kind of social fervor and enthusiasm about politics since Jesus Christ stooped down and washed the feet of poor people and sex workers, so it makes sense that people are comparing Bernie to Christ. Regardless of whether I believe these predictions about Bernie being crucified are true or not, I would like to say for the record that I will not be participating in a crucifixion, if one were to occur. I’m all for the marriage of church and state, but I don’t want Bernie to come back from the dead and ask me to atone for my sins with tax hikes.”

These rumors have gained a lot of traction in the last week and have even gotten the attention of Bernie Sanders. When asked for an interview about his potential crucifixion, Sanders told reporters, “No, no, no. I’m not God. I’m no one to be worshipped. Sure, I may be a Jew fighting for the rights of oppressed people, but that doesn’t mean I am Jesus Christ. Okay, okay, maybe I am similar to Jesus. But at the end of the day, you won’t see me on that cross unless it’ll break up the big banks, or if there’s a really good bowl of hummus waiting for the first person to be crucified. In either of those situations, I would be the first person on that cross. But otherwise, no thanks.”

Despite Sanders’ statement, some individuals are holding out hope for his crucifixion. A political science professor at UCSD told reporters he is looking forward to seeing Sanders perform in the first debate. “I’m no Bernie fan, since I like to think of myself as a patriotic capitalist, but getting the man to do a guest lecture here would be a monumental achievement. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work on my hummus recipe.”

Fairy Godmother at The MQ

Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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