November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


New Wave of Construction on Sixth Apartments Makes Students Exit onto I-5

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“On the bright side, the construction went straight through Foodworx,” said one student who crossed the freeway and survived.
Photo by Jack Yang

UC San Diego has sent out another wave of emails notifying current and future residents of an extension of the construction zone over the summer and into the next school year. This extension envelops the entire area surrounding the Sixth Apartments up to the I-5 freeway running parallel to the school.

Chancellor Khosla has announced the plans for this new area. “So all this upheaval of dirt for the railway has really inspired me to make use of all the unnecessary roadways and sidewalks leading into the Sixth Apartments. I recently went to Disneyland and I remembered my love for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. With all this free space, I plan to create an enormous
underground boat ride with little raccoon-sized boats and little raccoon animatronics, since the construction will have displaced their habitat. I
think this is what UCSD really needs right now. Of course, students won’t be able to enter this facility, but I believe the mere thought that there are little boats teeming with raccoons floating underground is enough for the everyday student.”

These new additions to the construction will come with some consequences for Sixth students, as the only accessible point into the apartments will be directly off the I-5 South freeway. There are no plans of creating a special
exit for Sixth students off the freeway, and the speed limits will remain as posted.

Anthony Jakubisin, Director of Residence Life, has sent out a follow-up email with an apology, the second one of this school year. “Dear beloved
Sixth College Residents, I received quite a bit of feedback for the last apology, especially regarding the parts where some of you said it looked like a prewritten apology, and the fact that the bright side I said to look forward to was inaccessible to any of you currently living here, because you are only guaranteed two years on campus.

“The truth is: I hate you. All of you. You are whelps complaining to me as if I
care. Khosla actually came to me and said we should still have a safe way for Sixers to access the apartments, and I turned that down. If you deserve
to be a Sixer, you must pass through the trials of moving furniture off the side of the freeway, running across the lanes to buy basic goods or catch your class. I have no care for your health or safety. Perish, Anthony Jakubisin.”

Attempts to reach out to Sixers for their opinions failed after half of them refused to leave their apartments and the other half were too depressed to comment. After an unexpected minimal resistance, Khosla plans to expand
these projects into the “more mentally stable” neighborhoods of Muir and Revelle. He left a short statement: “Pines will now be replaced with Ninth College, and Revelle shall be placed upon the cross as penance for not a single Revelle student reading the holy word.”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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