Facebook Launches an Automated Stalking Feature Across its Services

Written by: Quoc Tran

“That backsplash does not go with those cabinets,” commented Zuckerberg while looking through a user’s window.
Photo by Jack Yang

In a post on Tuesday morning, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the launch of a new service across the social media giants Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp that will drastically change the way people interact with each other. The service, named “AutoStalk,” is set to circulate immediately across all devices and automate the process of stalking friends, acquaintances, and enemies through their social media accounts.

AutoStalk streamlines this process by using deep learning and machine intelligence to develop a blockchain-based algorithm that decides which profiles to stalk and reports back with photos, recent status updates, and whether or not they’re selling essential oils in a pyramid scheme yet.

In light of the recent controversy over Facebook’s role in the 2016 presidential election and its user data harvesting, Zuckerberg hopes this move will show Facebook’s users that the platform remains committed to providing the best possible user experience. In a blog post, Zuckerberg wrote, “AutoStalk will be another way that we recommit to our pledge that Facebook is a platform that allows people from all over the world to connect to one another, whether they want to or not.” Zuckerberg also hopes that this move will address privacy concerns; he stated, “Users have always been concerned with how much of their privacy Facebook has been invading, but now they’ll be able to invade each other’s privacy almost as easily as Facebook invades theirs!”

Initial reactions to the new feature have been generally positive, with a Facebook poll showing a large majority of users expressing satisfaction with the amount of time that they’ve saved so far. Patty Johnson, a mother of three, doesn’t use Facebook much, but has shared her excitement about the new feature: “I don’t usually have time to stalk people on Facebook, so this is a pretty neat feature. The robot sent back a report telling me that my high school bully is in jail for meth, so that’s pretty nice.” Johnson hopes
this service will eventually be expanded onto Instagram, the popular photo-sharing service owned by Facebook, so that she can finally find her teenage
daughter’s “finsta” after months of searching.

AutoStalk has fans spanning across all age groups. 20-year-old Andy Fisher, who regularly posts to various meme pages of colleges he has never attended, talked about his excitement over the new feature: “This
is gonna be so great. I don’t have to waste time stalking the Facebook pages of girls that I like anymore. It knows my stalking habits so well that it’ll
accidentally ‘Like’ a post from months ago. Only occasionally, though, just so they’ll know that I’m stalking them.” Fisher commented that this small feature is “useful for guys like me who are too scared to talk to girls.
Hopefully, Jenny will finally notice and go out with me.”

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