Articles
To Anna, The Girl In Front Of Me Who Stole My Joke In York Hall
A Hopeful Funeral Dirge
Following Afghanistan Pull Out, Top Generals Still Looking for Bottom Specific
Following the “successful” withdrawal from Afghanistan, the chaos in the final moments at the Kabul airport has Top General Meiner and his compatriots in desperate search …
Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs
Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …
Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount
“You’re gonna get a deal on this knuckle sandwich,” yelled Sweeney.Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday season approaches, Black Friday savings are at the forefront of …
Local ASMR Artist Livestreams From the 8th Floor of Geisel During Finals Week
“Surprisingly, my MATH 20C grade is more unsettling than asMARTA’s performance,” said O’Reilley.Photo by Sharon Roth The quietest floor of Geisel Library was disturbed last Tuesday by …
UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs
“I can’t believe how easy this crypto stuff is,” exclaimed one student, “I traded my diploma for a picture of a funny monkey and now I’m …
Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage
“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …
World Renowned Chef Eats His Words
Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.Photo by Robin Brewin Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” …
1,000 Dead in the War on Christmas
By Xander Goldman Proud American It’s no secret that life is getting tougher for conservative, Christian, patriotic Americans like me. Still, it’s a tough pill to …
Injuries Sustained After Ice Rink’s New “No Skates Saturday” Deal
Photo by Jack Yang Tragedy struck last Saturday after Ricky’s Ice Skatin’ ice skating rink instituted its new “No Skates Saturday” event in an attempt to bring …
