Articles
Scientists Discover Where the Time Goes
“Quick, get a bucket; all our time is running down the drain!” exclaimed one scientist.Photo by Amit Roth In an article published in Nature, physicists Herbert …
Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful
“Above all, UC San Diego prides itself on nurturing the health and well-being of our grass,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Liv Gilbert On May 6, Chancellor …
Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest
“Putting my name on buildings is basically retail therapy,” said Irwin Jacobs.Photo by Amit Roth Tense negotiations are underway regarding the naming rights for UC San …
UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’
“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses
“I finally learned what the inside of a black hole looks like,” said Katherine Cambpell. “I was rather disappointed to find out it was just a …
HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown
“I still get food poisoning, but now I know exactly why,” said one student.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Triton2Go Mobile Order app has long been a …
I Must Return to the Real World
Beloved wizards and magicians of the greater San Diego area, it is time for me to hang up my hat and cloak in favor of the …
DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’
“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …
I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest
POINT: I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer Five years gone. They really snuck up on me. Is this really the last summer I’ll …
