News
Grocery Store Shut Down Due to Unsolicited Hand Holding Incident
Crass was later charged with destruction of evidence for washing his hands.Photo by Jack Yang “Smarts,” a local grocery store located in Youngtown, Arizona, has shut …
Starbucks Announces New Summer Frappuccinos To Retain Customers
One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot With summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are …
Area Man Holds Unique Opinion on Abortion That Deserves to be Heard
“I even had to explain to the women what ‘man-splaining’ was,” said “Women’s Advocate” Charlie Miller. Photo by Stephen Lightfoot In response to the recent debate …
Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. Photo by Jack Yang Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that …
Graduating Senior Excited to Study Abroad, Put Off the Inevitable
Hykins was reportedly enthralled when she purchased her “one-way ticket from Berlin to unemployment.” Photo by Stephen Lightfoot In an attempt to ignore the inevitability of …
Point/Counterpoint: Going Pre-med is the Hardest Route a College Student Can Take/Objection, Your Honor
Going Pre-med is the Hardest Route a College Student Can Take By Baxter Washington Pre-med Student Out of all potential career paths college students can take, …
Facebook Launches an Automated Stalking Feature Across its Services
“That backsplash does not go with those cabinets,” commented Zuckerberg while looking through a user’s window.Photo by Jack Yang In a post on Tuesday morning, Facebook …
In Response to UCSD Spam Quarantine Complaints, UCSD Sends More Spam Emails
“Apparently, a postcard from my parents didn’t arrive because my mailbox was full, but this is well-formatted, I guess,” shared one Warren student after checking her …
Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise
The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot There has been …
New Wave of Construction on Sixth Apartments Makes Students Exit onto I-5
“On the bright side, the construction went straight through Foodworx,” said one student who crossed the freeway and survived. Photo by Jack Yang UC San Diego …
