News
Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson Meta user Michael Roechip has gained traction for a post that originally …
Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of …
SSA Declares Nobody Disabled
Instead of sending rejection letters, the OSD has reportedly begun sending out notices recommending that applicants “try putting Vicks on it.”Photo by Amit Roth The Social …
Santa’s Reindeer Hunted as Trophies, Christmas Cancelled
“Rudolph tasted real good,” said successful bidder Maddysyn Merry.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Kristopher Nicholas Kringle Claus, or “Santa Claus,” as he is more commonly known, has …
Gov. Newsom to Screen Homeless Population from Public View
“This is an outrage!” said one student. “Which soup kitchen will I get volunteer hours from now?!”Photo by Liv Gilbert Last week, California Governor Gavin Newsom …
HDH Debuts Caffeinated Breakfasts
“Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my morning burrito,” said Sixth College student Calvin Herrington.Photo by Ezra Bihis Following the trends of the beverage industry, …
AWP ‘Diversity Filter’ Working as Intended
“We hold students coming from the most diverse backgrounds to a higher standard, because we know they need it,” said Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla.Photo by Liv …
Santa Claus Declared Enemy of State
“My mommy said Santa’s a Democrat, so I think he deserved it,” said local 7-year-old Annie Jones.Photo by Liv Gilbert The United States has announced that …
Medical School Applications to Now Require Credit Score
“The second I become a doctor, I’m defaulting on all my loans,” said Tagley Jones, credit score 682.Photo by Amit Roth The American Association of Medical …
UCSD Abolishes Thanksgiving Break
“If Ben Franklin had gotten his way, we would be eating the national bird right now,” said student Reginald Archibald.Photo by Jordan Whitlow At a press …
