News
Target to Hold “Birthday Season” Sale
Annual birth rate goals were reached across all participating locations.Photo by Maria Dhilla A recent press release from the retail company Target announced plans to hold a …
Paddington The Bear Added to FBI’s Most Wanted List
After sampling Pooh’s honey, Paddington said, “Oh yeah! This shit is pure!”Photo by Sharon Roth Described as “wearing a charming button down, with surprisingly soft brown fur, …
Elon Musk Provokes Fight After Spitting On Lime Green Kia Soul
“Without his money,” said Bladaire, “he’s just an Elon husk of a man.”Photo by Jack Yang On February 23, a dangerous fight broke out in the parking …
Local Student Only Pays $1,400 of Tuition Because They “Paid the Rest of It in Earlier Quarters”
“I’m running a personal deficit,” Ramirez said. “The school is lucky they’re getting anything at all.”Photo by Jack Yang Local student Abby Ramirez recently exposed a loophole …
Stressed Student Creates New Meaning for March Madness
Followers of Perez are looking forward to moving from March Madness to Apollonian April.Photo by Maria Dhilla Fueled by Modafinil and four carefully curated Spotify playlists, fourth-year …
Local Pony Not Horsing Around
Regarding Lopez’s pitchiness, spectators said, “Close is only good enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.”Photo by Sharon Roth Celebrity pony Burt Lopez made waves on social media …
Governor Newsom Found to be Leading a Double Life as Superhero: “The Gavin-ator”
“You win some, you Newsom,” said The Gavinator.Photo by Jack Yang In a feature piece posted online this past weekend, California Governor Gavin Newsom was revealed to …
Local Family Goes on Annual Ska Trip
Billy Johnson complained, “This trip was supposed to be Sublime.”Photo by Jack Yang In accordance with tradition, the infamous San Diegan family, the Johnsons, have completed their …
The Weeknd Delivers an Astonishing Allegory of Society via Super Bowl Halftime Show
A particularly philosophical commenter said, “One must imagine the Weeknd happy.”Photo by Jack Yang Grammy award-winning Canadian singer The Weeknd has been praised recently for his thought-provoking …
Elderly Welder Welding Wedding Rings Welcomes Internet Flame
While weddings between welders are beautiful, 50 percent of scrap is taken in the divorce.Photo by Jack Yang The TikTok algorithm has birthed another viral video from …
