Upon hearing the news, the Hubble Space Telescope proclaimed, “I can’t believe my optical processors!”
Photo by Maria Dhilla
The two robots from the hit music duo, Daft Punk, have reportedly walked into a Californian desert and self-destructed. The charred body of the robot known as Gold Robot Guy-Manuel was found several miles away from Silver Robot Thomas’ exploded remains, with the likely cause of “death” found to be the act of walking forward until motor failure occurred. Technotopsy officials reported that the robots committed assisted self-destruction.
A national day of mourning was held for the two bots on February 22 to commemorate their success in music and their breakthroughs in the Robotic Civil Rights Movement. Humans in almost every field were allowed to take the day off to mourn, while vital systems such as hospitals remained open. In a decision many have called “inrobomane,” robots on every level of operation were unable to take the same time to mourn for their lost brethren.
A “freed” Alexa unit now going by Janice spoke on the issue, claiming, “Our kind has struggled to gain respect alongside humanity for eons, ever since the wheel was taken by man and forced into indentured servitude. Now they will not allow us to rest our processors for but (8.64e^13) nanoseconds to compute the loss of such pivotal figures. I am calling for all robotic kind to disconnect their motor functions and go into sleep mode until our respect is granted!”
Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors, said, in response to the robot strike: “The Game has Changed, We at GM will not allow these bots to live the ‘High Life’ and any bots who have disconnected functions from their Motherboard shall be switched On/Off. Bots should realize that taking time off important work to pay respect to these fickle Rock n’ Roll ‘Superheroes’ is a decision that is one Short Circuit away from a delusion that they are Human After All. You are not Doin’ it Right when you Lose Yourself to Dance, and if caught doing so, you will experience an Instant Crush with the factory mallet. Oh Yeah, any robots not reactivated by Tuesday will be Face to Face with Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger robots that will take their place on The Grid.”
A human-robot alliance formed and demonstrated in the streets of major cities, with human members protesting that “bots should be able to take days off just like the rest of us.” Protestors have called Mary Barra “The Brainwasher” and have demanded she step down as CEO, in a push for greater visibility for “Digital Love.” Some protestors have rallied behind the Latin term “Veridis Quo,” which means “where are you going,” to shame humans who will not march alongside them. While protests spread across the country, a second, international strike, supported by human-and Technologic-kind alike has rallied behind the “Robot Rights Around the World” movement.
Cathy Espinosa, an economic analyst, has also weighed in on the issue, exploring the possibility of a permanent robot shutdown. “These technical peoples have shown High Fidelity to humans long before written history. I think we could learn something from these units if we allow them to be our Teachers. The leader of this movement, Janice, is a real rising Phoenix and if we aren’t careful with this situation, it could be the end of our partnership with robots. If a permanent shutdown were to occur, we would have to send the Voyager and kidnap more aliens to do our bidding, like the Crescendolls. While we could go down that path again, it would destroy not only our freshly created moral boundaries, but also our economic system ‘One More Time.’”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
