News
Local Pony Not Horsing Around
Regarding Lopez’s pitchiness, spectators said, “Close is only good enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.”Photo by Sharon Roth Celebrity pony Burt Lopez made waves on social media …
Governor Newsom Found to be Leading a Double Life as Superhero: “The Gavin-ator”
“You win some, you Newsom,” said The Gavinator.Photo by Jack Yang In a feature piece posted online this past weekend, California Governor Gavin Newsom was revealed to …
Local Family Goes on Annual Ska Trip
Billy Johnson complained, “This trip was supposed to be Sublime.”Photo by Jack Yang In accordance with tradition, the infamous San Diegan family, the Johnsons, have completed their …
The Weeknd Delivers an Astonishing Allegory of Society via Super Bowl Halftime Show
A particularly philosophical commenter said, “One must imagine the Weeknd happy.”Photo by Jack Yang Grammy award-winning Canadian singer The Weeknd has been praised recently for his thought-provoking …
Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater
When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!”Photo by Jack Yang In an email …
Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing
White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad.Photo by Maria Dhilla Despite being in office …
Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”
Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”Photo by Jack Yang A sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release …
Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties
A promotional offer reads: “If you subscribe to Medieval Times’ email list, we’ll send you chain mail!”Photo by Maria Dhilla Medieval Times CEO Kenneth Kim recently announced …
Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos
“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.Photo by Jack Yang Chaos erupted last Monday evening at …
Clam Unhappy, Despite Common Saying
“It’s really hard to stay positive these days, as a clam,” said one local clam. “I mean, we barely have a foot to stand on!”Photo by Sharon …
