National
Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires
“Californians were happy that they had no more forest fires — before they all drowned,” said Future Senator Petrol G. Ascot.Photo by Julia Wong Chaos broke …
Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement
“Too many vacation days? Take a vacation straight to interview hell,” said a representative of the US Department of More Labor.Photo by Julia Wong Last week, …
Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …
LaCroix Announces New Boxing Day Hotdog Eating Competition
“The hotdog buns taste so much better now,” said Jack Peanut. “It makes me want to LaCry.”Photo by Julia Wong I n the company’s latest advertising …
Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead
“His heart thumpity-thump-thumped until it could thump-thump no more,” said one local child.Photo by Julia Wong Frosty the Snowman, a man made out of snow, was …
Costco Begins Selling Gilded Gasoline, Celebrated by Members for ‘Unbeatable Bargain Price’
“Panning is so last season. Hand me the siphon,” said one Costco member.Photo by Millie You This summer, Costco began selling 1-ounce pure gold bars online. …
Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”
“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.Photo by Amit Roth Mattel, Inc. has released a …
Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month
“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …
US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools
After two weeks of basic combat training, new BIB recruits will be expected to complete two weeks of intensive potty training.Photo by Amit Roth Over the …
Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze
“This cleanup is gonna be a Febreze!” exclaimed one Norfolk Southern Railway representative.Photo by Amit Roth On February 3, 50 cars in a 150-car train derailed …
