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Bowling Balls to No Longer Be Made With Chocolate Center Starting in 2021

Written by: Robert Renfro

Healthy eating advocates support the change, claiming: “Less chocolate is right up our alley!”Photo by Jack Yang The storied sport of bowling rolled into a new era …

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Denny’s Twitter Account Granted Human Rights

Written by: Sharon Roth

The ruling has redefined what it means to be human, causing many to have “eggsistential crises.”Photo by Sharon Roth The landmark Supreme Court ruling ‘Denny’s v. Thomas’ …

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Area Woman Living Alone With Three Cats Insists: “I’m Fine!”

Written by: Gage Tanzman

“Do we live just to die?” asked Monroe. “Meow,” said her cat.Photo by Sharon Roth The quarantining caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has stretched on for over …

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Coastal Ecosystem Devastated After Gender-Reveal Oil Spill

Written by: Jack Yang

BP has recently defended the Deepwater Horizon spill, calling it “ahead of its time.”Photo by Jack Yang Several miles of coastal wetland in the San Diego area …

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Local Chef Opens Dessert Chain, OnlyFlans

Written by: Sharon Roth

One dissenter said, “Who would go all the way to a store to get desserts? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for …

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Instagram Influencer Predicts the Future by Reading Makeup Smears on Face Masks

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

“The spirits are telling me you haven’t been following me on Instagram. Would you like my handle?” asked Welch.Photo by Stephen Lightfoot In the age of Instagram …

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Molecular Gastronomist Sticks “This Machine Kills Fascists” Sticker on Nitro Foam Maker

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

“This dish is pretty conceptual, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t understand it on the first taste,” said Tenshuss.Photo by Stephen Lightfoot Local Restaurateur Pete …

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Ringing In Area Woman’s Ears Found to be Tinnitus, not Klaxons Signaling the End of Days

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

The doctor asked whether payment through mail was okay, to which Jiao responded, “Nothing gets through my chainmail.”Photo by Jack Yang Area woman Sabrina Jiao was shocked …

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Local Child Convinces Conservative Mother to Purchase Doom Eternal

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Anderson later claimed that many of the Bible’s tragedies were times God forgot to quicksave.Photo by Jay Noonan Jeffrey Anderson, a 10-year-old resident of Del Mar, has …

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WAPT Helicopter (Wet Ass Portable Tank) Quenches California’s Raging Fires

Written by: Adian Valdez

WAPT was projected to be slightly more effective than a bucket and a mop.Photo by Sharon Roth A new hero with a peculiar name has emerged from …