“The spirits are telling me you haven’t been following me on Instagram. Would you like my handle?” asked Welch.
Photo by Stephen Lightfoot
In the age of Instagram influencers during the COVID-19 pandemic, Mc- Kayla Welch stands out from the rest. Under the username @mysticprincessprophet, Welch has gained hundreds of followers by reading makeup stains left on medical masks and divining customer’s futures. While others see into the future by reading symbols etched in the palms of hands, or at the dregs at the bottom of a tea cup, Welch, in her own words, finds meaning in “the imprint of your insecurities.”
Before this business venture, Welch was a so-called “beauty influencer,” who had mild appeal on Instagram for girls aged 10 to 13. Now hailed as “the modern day Nostradamus,” even famous stars have come to her to get their fortunes read. “I’m not supposed to spread this around, but I read the future for the entire cast of Riverdale. Of course, I can’t say anything, but if the next season is anything like what I saw, Cole Sprouse is going to die.”
When questioned about how she got the idea, Welch explained: “Well, first of all, I didn’t think up the idea. I was just the first to be in tune with my inner third eye — there was almost no thought involved at all. When I first saw the way my mask looked at the end of the day, I was disgusted. But just before I threw it in the trash, I caught a glimpse of what looked like a dog. The very next day, I passed not one, not two, but three dogs. It seemed like I was getting visions directly from a higher power. Two of the feathers on my dream catcher fell off the next day, so I knew I had to be right.”
When asked if she believed in the supernatural before this, Welch replied: “I mean, I’ve always felt very sensitive to the plights of others. I’ve always been so empathetic. I can tell what other people are thinking about me by just looking at their face. I think just the stress of living in my parent’s summer cottage for two months with both my sister and my brother really made me open up emotionally to the world’s hardships. I also look inward so often, which is why my spirit animal is definitely an owl.”
She later added: “I’ve found that it helps that I block anyone whose predictions don’t come true. The mean comments got so bad I had to like, sage my apartment. But I mean, come on, everyone knows psychic predictions are mere whims based on prior actions in the fate of the universe, and that every decision a person makes creates unimaginably complex ripples in the ocean of our collective conscious, which are impossible to account when it comes to unplanned actions. Everyone knows that.”
When asked if there was anything more she would like to add, Welch said: “I just want to thank the brand Essential Living while I’m here, because their low prices and amazing products are why I can afford to get a good night’s rest and wake up with a clear chakra to be able to read the cloudy futures of my followers. Just use promo code “mystic,” — no capitals — when you check out and you’ll get 10 percent off shipping costs for your first item.”
Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.
