BP has recently defended the Deepwater Horizon spill, calling it “ahead of its time.”
Photo by Jack Yang
Several miles of coastal wetland in the San Diego area have been destroyed after an oil tanker decorated with gender reveal party paraphernalia suffered a rupture last week. 84 million gallons of toxic petroleum leaked from the tanker into the surrounding area, turning the world-famous San Diegan oceans black.
For Debra Daniels and her husband David, the party was “truly magical.” That is, until it came to the final event. “It’s a damn shame,” says Daniels, longtime San Diego resident and new mother. “All we wanted was to commemorate a big moment for our family. We didn’t realize the damage it would cause.” Daniels, who was inspired by videos of other gender reveal parties she found online, planned to have a family friend steer a rented oil tanker aground and release pink or blue colored oil into the surrounding waters to “celebrate the happy occasion.”
“There’s something special about an oil spill, you know?” said Debra. “The fun nautical theme, watching the sunset behind the silhouette of the destroyed oil tanker, it’s so picturesque! It would’ve been something for the three of us to look back on and laugh … anyways, turns out my brother James forgot to color the oil, meaning the crash was just a yucky black mess. We thought it might’ve been a water-activated dye when the waters turned pink a few minutes later, but that was just a bunch of dead algae floating up to the surface. We were so embarrassed.”
Despite the ecological damage, Daniels eagerly looks forward to the following weeks, in which she’ll be preparing to try again. “You won’t believe what happened. A few days after news got out about the oil spill, we were contacted by Lockheed Martin, who wanted to partner with us for a new, truly spectacular gender reveal party! Picture this — my hubby flying a F-22 Raptor over a replica village, unloading bombs filled with colored powder on acres of dry brush! It’s everything a mother could ask for and more.”
When prompted in an interview, Lockheed CEO Marillyn Hewson confirmed the “happy news,” saying that “We’re honored to be able to help the Daniels family with their celebration. The ‘nation reveal’ parties we’ve helped cater for the U.S. military in places like Somalia, Libya, or Syria have been hugely profitable for us, but too often come with the backlash of so-called ‘human rights agitators.’ We see the rise in gender reveal party popularity as an opportunity to ensure Americans can still celebrate these touching, personal moments in a chaotic world that, uh, we had absolutely no part in. After all, what’s more important than family?”
Judy Lane, director of the San Diego chapter of the American Society for Marine Conservation, was less than pleased about the messages from the Daniels family and Hewson. Frantically rummaging through a supply closet at the ASMC headquarters, she expressed her concerns: “They’re insane. Everyone’s insane. No number of statistics or charts or articles could change the minds of anyone who could make a difference. Many of our volunteers have simply given up and are now lying around the break room in varying levels of despair.”
“I’m just grateful that we still have this,” said Lane, gesturing towards a massive sign reading “The End is Nigh!!!!” She then shouldered the sign and bolted from the room. The ASMC had no further comment other than a drawn-out sigh from Deputy Director Lance Charleson, who was lying face-down on the floor.