The doctor asked whether payment through mail was okay, to which Jiao responded, “Nothing gets through my chainmail.”
Photo by Jack Yang
Area woman Sabrina Jiao was shocked to discover that the loud buzzing she lived with for “as long as [she] could remember” was not, in fact, a sound heard by the rest of the world.
“It was a weird situation,” explained Jiao. “I had no idea that when people talked about how calming the sound of silence was, they meant the lack of perceivable sound, and not just the ceasing of everything but the ringing in your ears. I think I understand the point of yoga now! Also religion.”
However, Jiao’s thoughts quickly turned to questioning why only she was gifted with hearing these ever-present, terrible noises. “My first thought was everyone’s first thought — that the high pitched, unwavering whine in the back of my mind was the tortured screaming of millions of angels tearing each other asunder as the apocalyptic forces of good and evil battled between each other without cause for concern to the anguish and pain their actions caused both innocent people and the environment,” Jiao reportedly said. “My second thought was that it was the electronics, but that doesn’t seem likely at all.”
She then went to her doctor, who with a simple ear exam, found that Jiao had tinnitus. However, Jiao is firmly ignoring her doctor’s findings. “It’s more likely that I am hearing the voices of angels promising to smite the unworthy than it is that I’m losing my hearing. Sure, I listen to loud music and I go to concerts frequently and I’m taking medication that cautions that a possible side effect is tinnitus, but that means nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
She went on, saying, “I mean, come on! There needs to be consequences for the crimes of humanity perpetrated by those in power! There needs to be punishments for those who have so little care to future generations that they would squander the world’s potential just to get materialistic validation that they’ll never be able to fully comprehend. It’s obvious that there must be divine retribution from the frankly staggering amounts of hubris shown by these people! I have to be prophesying the end of days!” She then continued muttering, “I have to be …” over and over again, shifting her gaze back and forth from the sky to a livestream of the Yellowstone volcano.
“I am no false prophet!” Jiao claimed to all in attendance, which was just the reporting crew and those in line to refill their prescriptions. “If the shrieking in my ears is not the promise of celestial reckoning, then I shall take matters into my own hands.” She declined to further comment, but sources close to Jiao say that she was printing out pages from WikiHow’s “10 Easy Steps to Make A Guillotine,” and the home addresses of every billionaire in the tri-state area.
Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.
