Anderson later claimed that many of the Bible’s tragedies were times God forgot to quicksave.
Photo by Jay Noonan
Jeffrey Anderson, a 10-year-old resident of Del Mar, has successfully convinced his household to purchase a copy of Doom Eternal for the Nintendo Switch. The elementary schooler then caused an uproar when he announced the achievement to his fourth-grade class, who erupted into a chant yelling, “Rip and tear! Rip and tear!” leading to a red stoplight card being given to everyone and in-class detention being issued during afternoon recess.
Steven Poole, Anderson’s classmate, spoke about the incident. “So like, yeah a lot of my friends have Doom Eternal and it’s like no biggie, but I don’t believe that Jeffrey could get it. None of us do. His mom has this huge cross in the house right above the front door and they go to church all the time, not just for Christmas and Easter. Plus, I asked him what happened on the last level and he couldn’t tell me and Jerry down the street said that his older brother beat it, and they made you fight Satan and Zombie Jesus and like three tanks, so I don’t believe him because he didn’t tell me that. Plus he said there was no way I ran a four-minute mile when I was by myself, and I really did so I don’t like him either.”
Kobe Alvarez, a close friend of Jeffrey as of yesterday, stated, “No one wanted to hang out at Jeffrey’s house. The last guys who hung out with him told us his parents don’t even take him to McDonald’s, and they make him say grace, and sit at the dinner table, even for lunch and breakfast, and there’s not even a TV in the room! But now I’m willing to chance it, because my parents only let me play one ‘T’ game, and that’s Guitar Hero. I wanna see blood!”
Linda Anderson, Jeffery’s mother, gave her thoughts on the issue. “I am really conscious about the media my son consumes. Even children’s media nowadays has horrible things, like two people of the same gender kissing! We no longer put that godless anteater Arnold on! He must only consume media that is in the eyes of God and Donald Trump. I didn’t even let him get that ‘Animal Town’ game because the mayor gives away an interest-free loan, and that leads to socialism in a young boy. Doom Eternal, on the other hand, I’ve heard great things about from Jeffrey and from the Youtube. My baby told me it was about a strong Catholic man who fights his demons and ends up in Heaven. I don’t always trust his young little mind, especially after the Plumber man incident — this is an Italian-free household — so I looked up whether or not Mr. Doom Slayer was in fact celibate. To my joy, I found a ‘lore’ video from ‘ShotgunBlasta420’ about how Doom Slayer could be canonized as the Pope! I would love for my little Jeffrey to end up like Mr. Slayer himself.”
Jeffrey Anderson offered no comment, as he was left alone for private bible-study within his room. Linda Anderson denied hearing the sounds of chainsaws revving, guns firing, or people screaming that the neighbors have reported during said bible-time, but reported that the number of neighborhood kids arranging playdates has raised. “The heathen neighbors have finally come to learn about the perils of falling to Satan’s demonic forces,” said Linda, smiling.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.