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Study Shows Only Divine Intervention Can Make You Pass This Class

Written by: The MQ

Researchers announced on Wednesday that their extensive data on your history in MATH 20C has revealed that only an act of God could turn your grade …

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Graduating Senior Regrets Time Not Spent Complaining About UCSD

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Graduating UCSD senior Cameron Phloss recently publicly admitted that when reflecting on his four years in college, he found that much of his time was wasted …

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Local Student Swears Next Quarter Will Be Better for 12th Quarter in a Row

Written by: The MQ

On Thursday, area cognitive science major Gwen Bradford said that “surely next quarter I’ll get my shit together,” following a quarter of unmet goals and unimpressive …

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Professor Unable to Connect to Projector, Unable to Lecture

Written by: The MQ

Last Monday, David Queology, a professor at UCSD, told reporters that he completely lost his ability to lecture that morning due to irreparable technical difficulties. Queology …

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Student Stuck in Infinite Loop in Tioga Stairwell

Written by: Maryanna Sophia Landaverde

On Sunday, the Tioga residence house advisors stated that even more residents are following “elevator etiquette” after one of the two elevators was shut down in …

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Local College Club Told to Waste University Money, Wastes University Money

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

UCSD has reported a 20,000 dollar loss since the beginning of December that is unrelated to professors’ pay, dorm renovations, or raising the quality of food …

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Humanities Recruitment Actually a Front for Gathering Small Army

Written by: The MQ

Last month, UCSD’s Arts and Humanities Advantage (AHa) Outreach Internship Program received the Innovation Grant. The program focuses on recruitment for the department, but does not …

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Hopeless Romantic Ignores 13th Straight Tinder Match

Written by: The MQ

Leading up to the annual February 14 rush of love-seeking that most call Valentine’s Day, Alex Pross downloaded the popular dating app Tinder, in hopes of …

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Scientists Claim Tectonics are Pushing Sixth College Away at Rate of Nail Growth

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Scientists have finally come forward to say in their own words what everyone was thinking: “Sixth College is simply TOO far away.” A confidential scientific source …

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Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together

Written by: The MQ

Emily Adlet Roe, second-year UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she …