Volume 32
Local Band Crystal Belles Amasses Triton Cash Fortune
Last month, local band Crystal Belles garnered an animated audience during an on-campus performance at UC San Diego. According to the university, while it has historically …
Second Iran War Scheduled for Q4 2028
Following the recent release of the controversial — yet popular — addition to the Gulf War Cinematic Universe, the Depart- ment of State revealed that the …
BORGmania Sweeps UCSD
As finals season approaches, a new trend has taken the campus by storm. “There’s just one question on everyone’s mind: to BORG, or not to BORG?” …
Emerald Fennell Threatens Literature with New Adaptation
Following the release of her polarizing Wuthering Heights adaptation, British director Emerald Fennell has confirmed that another adaptation based on a beloved classic is in the …
Pastor Denounces Middle East ‘Christians’
During last week’s Thursday service, Episcopal Inadventist Communion of Saints — an American Christian Evangelical church — Pastor-Shepherd Noah Beckett officially denounced “Satan’s last bastion in …
Super Mario Brothers Super Protest
In a recent press release, famed plumbing, princess-saving, go-kart racing, and ghost-hunting brothers Mario and Luigi have decided to use their platform to decry the current …
Man Negotiates Best Ever Phone Plan
On Thursday, Billy Liverford broke the world record for “Best Ever Phone Plan” after spending five hours in a Verizon store. “It’s truly an honor, but …
EPA Introduces ‘Sexy’ Mascots
“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a …
Pestilence
“These horsemen, they run very fast, faster than the horsemen of any other apocalypse,” Trump said. “Their hooves — they go clip clop clip clop.”Photo by …
A Proper Wife’s Routine
My alarm rings at 3:57 a.m. sharp. I bolt upright in my twin-size bed, quietly creeping out as to not wake my husband, who slumbers in …
