Volume 28 Issue 3

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I can’t believe how easy this crypto stuff is,” exclaimed one student, “I traded my diploma for a picture of a funny monkey and now I’m …

Briefs

Local Gnomes Open Restaurant

Written by: Sharon Roth

Local Gnomes Open Restaurant World-renowned sommelier Emille Turnpike- Flashdrive, who is a gnome, opened a restaurant with his wife Gretna Flashdrive-Turnpike, who is also a gnome. …

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski and Sharon Roth

“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …

Briefs

Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today

Written by: Theo Erickson

Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While …

ArticlesLocalNews

World Renowned Chef Eats His Words

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.Photo by Robin Brewin Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” …

ArticlesNewsTech

President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral

Written by: Millie You

After the new plan was enacted on the platform, tensions have reportedly risen between the BTS Army and the People’s Liberation Army.Photo by Sharon Roth Since the …

ArticlesNewsTech

Statisticians Create New Phe-Nominal Scale for Extra Special Data Points

Written by: Maria Dhilla

“Noferror’s rebuttal of my use of medians was valid, but some of the comments made by other statisticians were just plain mean,” said Stribution.Photo by Maria Dhilla …

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”

Written by: Jack Yang

Due to a global resource shortage, Santa and Bezos are considering employing naughty kids in coal mines.Photo by Maria Dhilla This holiday season, former Amazon CEO Jeff …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Gets Railed by Blue Line Extension

Written by: Connor Betterly

Khosla announced the opening of the trolley by reading out of Dr Seuss’ One Line, Two Line, Red Line, Blue Line.Photo by Sharon Roth Over the course …

Top Ten

Top 10 Suspects Who Ran Grandma Over

Written by: The MQ

Top 10 Suspects Who Ran Grandma Over Antifa Hypothermia Mariah Carey on a Zamboni Our stepdad Scott on ketamine A moose with no prior criminal record …