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Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’
“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …
Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas
As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …
Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River
With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …
UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads
“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …
Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’
“I’m proud to announce that we no longer have students living under the poverty line,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Justin Xu At a recent press conference, …
NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …
Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …
In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®
Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …
Disney Is a Striking Example of the Proliferation of Capitalism vs Fuck You, I’m Mickey Mouse
POINT: Disney Is a Striking Example of the Proliferation of Capitalism Back in my day, characters could only be owned by a company for about 14 …
White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines
In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …
