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The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day
The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” …
Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away
“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.Photo by Jack Yang In the wake of COVID-19 …
Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat
Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat In a new twist to the annual Spotify Wrapped statistics given to listeners on the platform, Spotify has …
White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office
Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.Photo by Maria Dhilla According to reports from several anonymous sources within the White …
Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog
Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog In an unexpected move that both horrified and confused consumers nationwide, McDonald’s has announced that they will be serving carbonated eggnog …
Gibbs Free Energy Now Costs 10 Dollars
The protesting molecules claimed, “Y’all are gonna be real sorry once we go on strike and cause the heat deathof the universe.”Photo by Sharon Roth With the …
Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater
Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s …
President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”
Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”Photo by Maria Dhilla President Trump has declared a …
Transportation Services Announce New Party Bus Shuttle
UCSD announced their next transportation vehicle: The What Hath God Yacht.Photo by Jack Yang On Sunday, UCSD Transportation Services announced a new shuttle to compensate for the …
How I Went From Lexa-Amateur to Lexapro
By Cleo Armstrong Emotionally Numb Bad Bitch Like you all, 2020 has hit me hard. I’m unemployed. Paying rent gets harder and harder every month. My …
