Volume 25
Local Student Sleeps for Three Days Straight, Still Tired
Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute …
Local Student Pledges to Join Clubs and Attend Office Hours Next Quarter
Local third-year engineering student Abigail Nelson recently promised herself that she would be more proactive in her college experience by utilizing campus resources and social groups …
Area Student Excited for New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season, “Definitely Not For the Nudity”
Area frat boy Ramin Djawak expressed his excitement for the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones” by throwing a party at Blacks Beach on the night …
Point/Counter Point: Swearing
Point: No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household Son, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, …
Investigations Show McDonald’s Worker Set Meetings With Trump
Washington DC resident and McDonald’s employee Francis Rex was brought under charges of embezzlement. Rex faces charges for participating in a secret side-business bringing corporate lobbyists …
Study Shows Journalism to Be Sexiest Career
A recent study conducted by the American Press Institute revealed that pursuing a career in journalism is the most effective path for increased perceived attraction. The …
LaCroix CEO Decides to Add Actual Flavor to Product
National Beverage Corporation, producer of “vaguely fruit-flavored” LaCroix seltzer water, faces new challenges following the release of a report last Thursday revealing a 39 percent drop …
