Briefs
New L’oreal Commercial Faces Backlash for Lack of Sex Appeal
Recently, L’Oreal released its new advertisement, attempting to sell the L’Oreal Active Bonding Mango Scent Anti-Dandruff Maximum Overdrive Hair and Body Wash and Moisturizer. Breaking formula, …
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity
The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” …
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth …
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind
Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I …
Muir College Mourns Record-Setting 13th Freshman Lost to Giant Crows
Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting …
Christmas Season completely Revitalizes Coal Mining Industry
This Christmas season has seen the surprising revival of the coal industry in the United States. The sudden rebound is attributed to two factors: Trump’s focus …
Local Asshole Boycotts Hydro Flask, Drinks Water Directly From the Source
Earlier this month, local rookie activist Flynt Boyle took to boycotting Hydro Flask for capitalizing on portable ways to drink water. Boyle was outraged, claiming that …
Local Man Arrested for Not Giving Enough Thanks Prior to Thanksgiving
Local man James Paulson was arrested in his home on November 22, a day before Thanksgiving, for what authorities alleged as being “not being thankful enough.” …
Area Man: “Kale Me Now” in Response to Woman’s Ignorance on Greens
Yesterday, area man Clarence Simpson visited his local farmer’s market where he witnessed what can only be described as “the pinnacle of human ignorance.” Simpson said, …
History Channel Launches New Series, “Fuck It, What If?”
The History Channel recently began production of a new original series, where loosely-named professionals speculate on a wide variety of historical theories. “History Channel has the …
