Area Man: “Kale Me Now” in Response to Woman’s Ignorance on Greens


Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Yesterday, area man Clarence Simpson visited his local farmer’s market where he witnessed what can only be described as “the pinnacle of human ignorance.” Simpson said, “I was having a good thyme with some cabbage until some cabbitch walked up to a stand and said, ‘Could I have some basil? I want to make some pasta,’ while pointing at some arugula,”

“Well, at that moment, I found it chard not to slap that person, let’s call her Rose, in the face. She made my heart spinache! Does she live in an establishmint with no knowledge of greens?”

Simpson recounted that he thought to himself, “Rose, marry some person who knows their greens better than you, or your chances of a long, healthy life are tarragone.

“The reason I have the adillity to live an intelligent, well-informed, and mild-mannered life is my commitment to these herbs and leafy greens. I have fenneled my entire life into these magical, edible, leaves, and you can’t mustard up enough effort to even know what arugula is?”

Simpson left a message for the uneducated woman which is as follows: “Lettuce me know if you ever get a clue, but until you know what arugula is, please romaine at home!”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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