Briefs
Local Trash Receptacle Feels Like Absolute Garbage
After getting dumped on Monday, a local trash receptacle reports “feeling like absolute garbage.” “I’ve been carrying a lot of baggage,” the receptacle told reporters, “I …
Local Badass Refuses to Admit He’s Cold
Upon stepping outside into the 59-degree weather, infamous daredevil and renegade Francis Yates proclaimed that he wasn’t even chilly, even when just wearing shorts and a …
UCSD Giraffe Catchers Catch First Giraffe
The giraffe catchers installed in the Eucalyptus Forest unleashed mayhem last week when they caught their first giraffe. Giraffe catchers were installed in 1967 and held …
New Bed and Breakfast “Stay-cy’s Mom” Has Got It Goin’ On
After many months of waiting, I couldn’t be more excited to announce the grand opening of the prestigious new bed and breakfast, “Stay-cy’s Mom.” Run by …
UCSD Now Practicing Communism in Fall Y’all Queue
Incoming students attended their first collective assembly on campus at the RIMAC field for the Fall Y’all music festival on September 23. Students reported that aside …
Local Grandmother Struggles to Give Away the Most Food
San Diego Grandmother Ruth Klein reported difficulty upholding her usual habit of giving plenty of food to the neighborhood youth as trick-or-treaters roamed the neighborhood this …
UCSD Freshman Pushed Off Campus, Finds Housing With Scary Old Witch in Candy House
UCSD freshman Hammond Angretal has reportedly found off-campus housing for the 2018-19 school year with a scary, old witch who lives in a gingerbread house in …
Self-Respecting Metalhead Found Listening to Pop in His Bedroom
Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is …
Review: Eminem’s New Restaurant Misses Its Chance to Blow
After a long period of secrecy, Marshall Mathers, commonly known as Eminem, announced the opening of his new Italian restaurant,Mom’s Spaghetti. When I learned of Mom’s …
Area Student Will Be Grounded If He Doesn’t Clean His Room Right Now
Area student Hayden Collins has had a messy room for one week too many. If he doesn’t pick up all the dirty clothes and empty chip …
