Briefs
Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love
“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that …
Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M
A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the …
The War on Lawn Decor Intensifies, Tragedies in Gnome Man’s Land
Mr. and Mrs. Jennings’ front yard is a scene of devastation after the most recent battle in the war on lawn decor. The ensuing skirmish resulted …
Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media
Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media This past Friday, a small group of students claimed to see a lecture that has no digital recording or …
UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number
UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number On January 20th, a moderator of the “Class of 2024” Discord server created a new channel titled “Counting,” which was …
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator Last Friday, first-year Seventh College student Christopher Crumbs reported seeing a mouse on one of the …
Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread
Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread I am famished. Starving. Excruciatingly hungry. I am but a six-year-old flower, wasting away. Indeed, my sweet little …
Local Gnomes Open Restaurant
Local Gnomes Open Restaurant World-renowned sommelier Emille Turnpike- Flashdrive, who is a gnome, opened a restaurant with his wife Gretna Flashdrive-Turnpike, who is also a gnome. …
Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today
Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While …
Sun God Weeps During Finals Week
Sun God Weeps During Finals Week Early this morning, second- year Jeremy Beremy was walking to an 8 a.m. class and reported seeing a trickle of …
