Articles
Marines Vow to ‘Do Better,’ Apologize to San Diego Community
“Don’t worry, I’m not just teaching the kids the alphabet,” said Sergeant Major Major. “They’re also learning how to liberate oil.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last Wednesday, …
UCSD To Be Sold to Satan
“Damn it… or is that too soon?” one student asked.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since becoming the subject of much controversy after his alleged mishandling of the …
Separated Couple Fights Over Divorce Attorney
“The scales of justice swing both ways,” said Bernice Parentson.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent string of anonymous forum posts on a legal advice website have …
This School Puts Us in Boxes
I don’t mean this in a metaphorical way. The email will tell you that you’re being summoned to the “Box Room” at once. When it does, …
There Is No Ethical Investing vs. Suck My Penis-Shaped NFT
POINT: There Is No Ethical Investing I’ve always been dubious about anything that’s supposedly “free.” I glare at the “free” samples at Costco and swat away …
UCSD to Hold Crow-Killing Event for Halloween
“Actually, I’m pretty sure these are ravens,” said ornithologist Richard Roper.Photo by Dylan Schmidt This Sunday, Vice Chancellor Alistar Ornth announced that UC San Diego would …
Boeing ‘Nearly Fucked’
The new Boeing 737s will reportedly feature coin slots which must be continuouslyfed in order to keep the plane in the air.Photo by Liv Gilbert Amidst …
I Killed Journalism
I killed it. Yup… it was me. Every time I clicked on a Washington Post article and I was refused entry, I slowly held the pillow …
Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …
Scripps Institute of Oceanography to Annex Surrounding Beach Homes
“Talk about trickle-down economics — my hardwood is ruined!” said one La Jolla resident.Photo by Amit Roth The Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO) annex of UC …
