News
Computer Science Department Gets New Lab, It’s Adorable
UCSD computer science students recently had a major positive change in their working environment with a new CSE lab added to the building, named Freddie. Reportedly, …
High Schools Nationwide Castrate Student Body as Part of a Sex Education Initiative
As part of a new sexual education initiative that went into effect on February 1st, school districts nationwide have started castrating students in high school. The …
Massive Earthquake Hits Pangea Parking Structure, New Lots Formed
At 10:39 p.m. on February 4, UC San Diego suffered a massive earthquake, reaching an 8.2 on the Richter Scale. University officials have stated that although …
Disney Announces Plan To Acquire Entire State of California
Late last night, Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, took the general public by surprise by tweeting that the company had started drafting plans …
Dating App Matches Students Based on Laptop Stickers
First impressions matter, and if you spend most of your time with your laptop, chances are the first impression of your laptop matters too. This was …
East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased
Despite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures …
Local Man’s Seasonal Depression Revealed To Be Regular Depression
Until late last Wednesday, local man Jeremiah Anderson was believed to have been suffering from seasonal depression. It wasn’t until further inspection by those close to …
Antitrust Laws Break Up the PornHub Network, Ensuring Pornographic Equity
Teenagers, adults, and certain senior citizens were shocked last week as a groundbreaking antitrust case, United States v. MindGeek USA Inc., finally reached a verdict, tearing …
Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs
Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana …
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …
